Moody McMoody’s Preview to the FIFA World Cup 2010: Part One

As the World Cup approaches, and you check another date off your desktop calendar, we’re pleased to announce the acquisition of a major pundit in our expert panel — the renowned but reclusive, Moody McMoody — who’ll give you a sneak peek at what to expect in the days ahead. Now, we must warn you, Mr. M is, um… well, a rather complicated person — and while we are honoured to have him here, he would want your undivided attention to what he’s telling. (It’s been difficult to extract him out of St. Patrick’s Asylum, Dublin.) In case you find anything inappropriate, kindly understand; he’s been through a lot.

The preview is a collection of diary entries he scribbled, as well as from transcribed audio interviews.

1. Ivory Coast:

Looks like a brick shithouse, but runs like a horse,
He falls like a pansy, but shows no remorse,
Make of that, what you will,
But waxing lyrical is not my skill.

“Oh, but what of the rest,” you ask?
Oh yes, they are but the supporting cast.

2. Netherlands
Oh, why do they even bother to turn up?! Chokers is a tag losers give them. Given by those sorry excuses for pundits, I mean. They have the term right, actually. But they don’t understand that the Dutch actually attempt to choke each other. Perhaps, it’s the weed. But I’m being too harsh, so let me objectively have a look at this year’s squad:

Sneijder is good, but he’s an angry young man.
Robin van Persie is good, but he’s made of glass. He was out for 8 months due to a plane crash; the plane crash that he saw happening in the pilot of Lost.
Robben is good, but he’s made of chinaware. No, not those lead toys.
Rafael van der Vaart is good, but refer van Persie. Substitute plane crash with Bruce Willis action movie viewing.

This team looks flawless, injury-proneness aside, so far.

But they have Khalid Boulahrouz. His nickname is Khalid the Cannibal.

Now you know, it’s not just a case of choking each other. One man is going to devour the rest of the team.

3. Algeria
They are consumed by their hatred for their neighbours, Egypt. Their hatred is all-consuming. They will cease to exist after the group stages.

4. North Korea
Their players enter the world cup thinking they are puppets at the hands of their supreme leader. A nuclear option cannot be ruled out if things don’t work out. Actually things won’t work out.

5. France
Fuckin’ cunts! No one likes them. Their fans don’t like them. The players don’t like each other. Nor do they like themselves. Except Thierry Henry. Walks like he’s fuckin’ Jesus. [Oh, I remember the day they admitted me in that hell in Dublin. The hand of Satan, he truly has.]

Fuckin’ French cunts!

6. Ghana
I hear Essien is not playing? Well, that’s them sorted then.

7. South Africa
They are the hosts. Their vuvuzelas are annoying. FIFA says culture must be respected. I suggest spending time near your local beehive in preparation. The sound of a swarm of bees buzzing perilously close to one’s ears can be therapeutic, modern research has shown.

8. Argentina
Maradona, their coach, said he would run naked in Argentina if they are to win the world cup. I don’t think he’s bluffing. The man did this during last year’s World Cup qualifying.

Only last week his car ran over a journalist. He told the journalist while sat in his car, “What an asshole you are! How can you put your leg there where it can get run over, man?” [True Story]

Yes. The man does not joke.

His side has Jesus playing in it¹. They call him Messi in Argentina. I think it’s short for Messiah, but then you knew that already. The problem is even Jesus needs a little help. Other teams call that help, coach.

But in a side with Jesus, anything can happen.

9. Portugal
This team also has Christ playing in it². In Portugal he goes by Cristiano. Unfortunately, his father also named him after Ronald Reagan. [True story]

People say football is a team game. That, you know, is a load of bollocks. This team is about Ronaldo. Only Ronaldo. Ask him. If you don’t trust him, watch the Nike ad. See for yourself what’s at stake.

10. Australia
It’s just not cricket.

11. Italy
They’re the reigning world champions. A Serie A club, Internazionale, just won the Champions League. If you ignore the fact that it was coached by a Portuguese and had 4 Argentinians, 3 Brazilians, 1 Romanian, 1 Macedonian, 1 Cameroonian and 1 Dutch player in their starting XI, this is a fantastic achievement for Italian football.

The cynical among us will write Italy off at our peril. Not I.

Italy is that trainwreck popstar you secretly want to make love to. You don’t understand why she is the way she is but you would like to be a part of the ride. You don’t really care what becomes of her. But right now, she’s just so fuckin’ edgy and you don’t want that to end.

^1. According to Barcelona-based newspaper, El Mundo Deportivo
^2. According to Madrid-based newspaper, Marca

Rest of the teams will be previewed in subsequent parts.